Ok, it took a while to readjust to a new kind of writing or, rather, a different theme; one that didn’t revolve around a specific person but instead around the common feelings that every human being is faced with.
The last three months have been incredibly painful, in many ways, but more inspiring than they were painful. I have met people from very different walks of life, shared a few steps of their paths, learned about their families, ate with them, slept with them, talked about their past, their lives, their parents. Many of these people I have not met in person. And it’s strange to think that I’ve shared a meal that for me was breakfast and for someone else was dinner over skype, during which they told me something outrageously intimate without having ever seen my face. Or that I flew next to a woman in a niqab who bent down to pray as I was downloading Tinder at Heathrow, and in spite of our differences we still managed to become great friends. Or that I keep in touch with a one night stand because he needs to talk about his concerns for his son who may be gay and my lovely date thought he was ready for it but he isn’t, and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Or that I ended up holding someone’s hand during an HIV test, after he claimed to be a sex machine and broke down crying when I approached the subject of HIV. Or that…
All these things, and many more, sound insane, and yet they happened because I let them happen. And I’m not regretting them or thinking that I could have stepped out of them a moment sooner. I’m actually glad they happened because they opened such a huge window onto a world I didn’t even suspected existed, they have shown me sides of humanity that – for different reasons- I had never been ready to see. It’s not because I was judgemental, but rather because I was focused on my life. Now my life has become others’ life too and this means that like in the Pink Floyd’s record their lives can filter through me and turn into mine. Like light filtering through a prism.
It is possible that someone lied, yes, but the discussions that came out of that lie, or the reflections that were triggered by it were real and so, does it really matter if they didn’t stem from a crystal-clear truth?
A sort of fil rouge that a lot of these conversations had in common was the issue of time. For different reasons people are very aware of time: either because they are running out of it (not necessarily in terms of time to the end of one’s life, but more time left to the achievement of a set goal), or because they don’t have enough, or because they would use it differently than they are doing if they had the chance to.
So, time. Time heals all wounds. Living on borrowed time. Time flies like an arrow.
Everything that is being said about it is true, and it’s also false. Time escapes us, and that’s why it’s so important. We can’t control it, we can try to manage but it’s inexorable.
We have all wasted it and, likewise, we all wished we had more of it, sometimes we have hoped it would go faster but, regardless of what one’s relationship is with it, almost no one is able to live the present. “Living the present” or “enjoying what you have” are two sentences that I’ve always cordially despised, but the essence is true: even the pain is necessary and I’ve personally just experienced how much pain has taught me in a relatively short time, compared to how little I’ve learnt in periods of better emotional stability.
Somehow, I’ve regained the grip on my life I had when I started this blog: the year I never said no.
When you say “no”, you may say no to an adventure, to a small window into somebody else’s life, to cheating time by living two lives at the same time, are you really sure some more safety is worth it?